Illusion

“Oh okay. Well when you see him, could you tell him that I’ve still got his book? You will? Thank you Mr. Connolly. Yes it’s nice to speak to you again. Good Bye.”
I lie back and sigh, then sit up again and check my watch.
00:37. Can’t sleep. I never normally have any problems. Lie down. Close my eyes. I’m not tired.
I am thirsty though. Climb off my bed, rather clumsily. The whole room shakes.
“That’s not good.” My voice sounds hoarse in the silence, and grab onto the bedpost for support. Suppose I must be tired or dehydrated; there’s no other reason to be so uncoordinated.
Carefully shuffle downstairs in search of something to drink. The fridge is empty. Surprise surprise…
Nobody ever buys any food in this house. There’s a small amount of what smells like orange juice left in a carton. Can’t quite focus enough to read the label, but drink it anyway.
I was right, it was orange juice. When did we last have orange juice anyway? Can’t remember. It probably doesn’t matter. Still thirsty. There’s nothing here to drink.  
Unless… My eyes flick to the bottle of wine sitting on the kitchen worktop. It’s really for my sister’s birthday. She won’t mind. It’s not until next week. I can buy a new one by then. Carefully open the bottle, only spilling a little, and drink a glass. It tastes awful, but I don’t mind. It’s quenched my thirst enough.
Tired now. Can’t be bothered to go upstairs. Just one more glass. It’s open now, no point wasting it.

Wake up with my face stuck to a pile of paper. Must have fallen asleep midway through a glass of wine. May as well finish it before heading upstairs to get dressed. No sense wasting it.
There’s no chance of a shower. The water’s off for some reason. Just get changed. It feels too quiet. Look for some music. Don’t know what it is. Must be something he left here, but it sounds nice.
     “It makes you laugh, it does you in,”
Try singing along, but lose track of the words half way through, so give up.  
Once finished, Stagger downstairs to find something to drink. There’s still nothing in the fridge. Don’t know why I’m so shaky on my feet. I had a good night’s sleep… eventually.
Maybe I’ve grown? Try to mark my height on the wall, but the line is at a strange angle. Think I missed my head altogether.
The oven timer reads 8:01. Don't have to be in work till 8:45, so there’s some time to do some shopping first.

I walk into a few people on my way to the shop. It’s strange. I didn’t see them coming. They just appeared in front of me.
Don’t know what time I get there. Left my watch on my bed, but I’ve probably got time. Why did I come here? This is only a corner shop. They don’t sell anything I want.
End up with an empty basket except for a loaf of bread and a carton of carrot juice. It was that or tomato, which is even worse.
Why can’t I find my purse? It must be at home still.
Who’s putting money on the counter?
“Don’t worry about her.” I hear someone say. Recognise the voice.
Michelle was at school with me and we still hang out quite a bit. She packs my bread and juice into a bag and hands it to me, pulling me out of the shop.
“What’s wrong with you Emily?”
“What? Oh. Nothing.”
She looks at me strangely.
“There must be something wrong with you. You look awful, you have no idea what’s going on around you and you stink of wine. Have you been drinking?”
“I… I don’t know.” There are too many questions. “I don’t think so. I think my fridge is empty.”
She sighs and takes the bag from me again.
“I’m taking you home. You’ll probably end up under a car if I leave you.”
She does, so I don’t.

Turns out I left my front door open. Don’t remember doing that…
Michelle marches me in, shutting the door firmly behind us, then sits me down at the kitchen table.
“What’s wrong Em?” she says. Her voice is different now. She’s not angry, but I don’t know what she is.
“Nothing, there’s nothing wrong. I’m fine.”
She doesn’t believe me.
“Then why are you so out of it?”
“I’ve probably got a cold.”
She reaches forward and puts the back of her hand against my forehead.
“You don’t have a temperature.”
“Oh… I don’t know.”
Why won’t she leave me alone? I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me.
“Em, we’re worried about you.”
“Who is?”
“Everyone! I am. Jason is. Laura, Ali, Joe… Everyone is!”
I shrug and tell her again that I’m fine. Why do these names sounds so strange to me?
“Why is there an empty wine bottle here?”
“What? Oh. I don’t know. I probably drank it… Yes, I couldn’t sleep last night and there was nothing else to drink.”
She looks at me strangely. It’s like she’s frowning but she’s not angry.
“How much have you been drinking recently?” she says. Her voice sounds loud and like a teacher’s voice.
“I don’t know. Not much. Probably not.”
She frowns again.
“How are things going with Rob?”
“We broke up.”
“Oh… I’m sorry. You hadn’t said.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m better off without him.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t remember. It’s not important.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
She looks at her watch. “I’m going. I have to be at work, but someone will be over tomorrow to check on you.”
That’s a stupid idea.
“Why? I’m fine. I don’t need checking up on.”
She rolls her eyes. Or at least I think she does; I can’t focus on her face. It’s the sort of thing she would do though. She stands up, looks at me for a moment, and walks out.

Just sit where I am and stare out the window. Why is London always so grey?
The phone rings, but it takes me a second to notice. No one’s phoned for months.
“Hello?”
“Emily, this is Andrew.”
Who? Oh yes. My boss.
“Hello.”
“Why didn’t you come in today?”
I did go in. Didn’t I? What time is it?
18:14… How did that happen?
“I don’t know. I thought I did.”
No… I never got there. Michelle confused me.
“You thought you came to work?” He doesn’t sound happy.
“I don’t know?”
“Are you all right?”
“Yes. I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me at all.”
“Listen Emily, if you’re not in on time tomorrow, don’t bother coming in at all. This is your final warning.”
I’ve had warnings? I don’t remember warnings. Or do I?
“Emily!”
Look round. Who’s shouting at me? Oh.
“I give up. If you’re not in work at eight thirty tomorrow morning you’re fired. Is that clear?”
“Yes. I expect so.”
There’s a clicking sound. Hang up.
I’m hungry, so walk to fridge. My legs are still as unstable as this morning. Must be getting a cold.  The fridge is empty still. Really need to go shopping. Nobody’s bought food for ages.
Tired again. It must be about midnight. It’s difficult to sleep with the sunlight pouring in from round the curtains so lock myself in the bathroom to sleep.

The doorbell rings and wakes me up. Who’s visiting in the middle of the night? Stand up, and am confused. Why am I on the floor? Why am I in the bathroom? Open the door and realise it’s not night time. Can’t find my watch, but it must be gone 7. It takes a minute or so to get down the stairs.
“Em! Open the door!”
Open the door. It’s my sister. She’s not happy.
“Where were you?”
“In the bathroom.”
She’s confused by this.
“Where were you yesterday?”
What?
“I was here. I think. No. I went out. I don’t know where.”
“You were supposed to be coming to Mum and Dad’s.”
I was? Why don’t I remember that?
“What for?”
“My birthday dinner!”
“That was yesterday?”
Thought it was next week.
“Yes! And my birthday was the day before.”
Oh…
“I think I bought you a present.”
Shuffle through to the kitchen, Joanna following me slowly.
Oh…
“I did, but I drank it.”
Gesture clumsily to the wine bottle that’s still sitting on the table. Joanna looks as though she’s about to cry. Why is she hugging me?
“Em, You really need to get some help.”
What? Why?
“I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve been drinking, you’re disorientated, and you can’t seem to dress yourself…”
The phone rings. Try to answer, but she beats me to it.
“Hello? No this is her sister…” I can’t hear the voice, but Joanna’s looking more and more worried. She hangs up. “And you’ve just been fired. Can’t you see your life is breaking down?”
“I’m fine.”
“Is this because of Rob?”
“He doesn’t have anything to do with anything. I’m just a bit ill.”
“You’d been living together for two years when he left, and now…”
“So what? It’s not the first time I’ve even broken up with a guy. I’m fine. I need a drink.”
“If you say so. You’re not having any alcohol, I’ll get you something from the fridge.”
Stare out the window.
“Why is there nothing left in the fridge?”
“No one’s been buying any.”
“Emily, you live alone…”
I know…
“When did you last eat?”
I don’t remember.
“You’re coming home with me.”
“I’m fine Joanna. I’m just feeling a bit ill. I went shopping yesterday, I just haven’t put it away.”
She looks surprised at this.
“Where is it?”
That’s a good question… I shrug.
“Stand up.”
Stand and let her lead me up stairs. On her way into my bedroom she goes into the bathroom and tries the tap. Nothing happens.
“When did you last pay your water bill?”
“I… I can’t remember.”
“You’re coming home with me. I don’t care what you say. Just at least have a shower, you stink of wine.”
I don’t want to. Why is she putting my clothes in a bag?
“I’m fine. I’m not going.”
“You may be fine, but please, just come and get yourself cleaned up? For me?”

Let her drag me downstairs again and pull a jacket over my shoulders before taking me out the door. I’m bundled into her car. It’s very hot in here… The drive is over quickly. Joanna helps me out of the car and pushes me up the steps into her flat.
“I’m not going to leave you alone in there, so I’ll stay and make your you’re okay.”
“I’m fine… There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“So you keep saying.”
The shower’s cold and it’s a bit weird having my sister in the room with me, but I don’t care too much. It’s not as though it matters.
Almost fall as I’m getting out.
“Emily, please be careful.”
It was an accident.
“Sorry, I think I’m ill.”
“Well get yourself sorted, I’ll get you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.” When did I last eat? Don’t remember. “Could I have a drink though please?”
She frowns, “Yes, but just juice. No alcohol.”
“I only wanted juice.”
She looks doubtful, but goes anyway.
Can’t be bothered to dry my hair. What does it matter? Just get dressed and sit on Joanna’s bed waiting for my drink. My head hurts. Don’t know why. My cold must be coming through. Joanna comes and sits next to me, handing me a glass of juice.
“Em, I don’t know what you’re going through, and I’m not going to force you to tell me, but you know that Alcohol isn’t the answer to it?”
“What?”
“People are worried about you. People who care.”
“What about? I’m confused.”
“Em, please be serious. You’ve been drinking, and it’s messing you up.”
“You’re saying I’m a drunk?”
Is this why people keep talking about alcohol around me?
Am I a drunk?
Is she right?
No!
“No! It just seems you’ve been drinking a lot, and we don’t want you to ruin your life.”
She’s wrong. I’ve not drunk anything for ages.
“I haven’t been drinking.”
“Oh Em, come on… You drank a whole bottle of wine on your own.”
“There was nothing else for me to drink! If I hadn’t drunk it, I’d have dehydrated and goodness knows what would have happened.”
“What about everything else though.” She sounds really upset, but I don’t care. She’s wrong, and I’m right.
I know I am.
“I don’t know! I’m tired and I’m ill. That’s all that’s wrong with me. Stop trying to interfere.”
Stand up, shaking slightly. Is that because I’m angry or because I’m ill? Don’t know and it doesn’t matter. I’m leaving.
Joanna stays sitting on her bed. She seems shocked. Don’t care. Leave my stuff in her flat. It’s not important; can’t wash it anyway.

It’s getting dark, but I know the way home. Still can’t believe her. She didn’t even try to check her facts before she accused me of… She’s too judgmental. I’m just ill. The door to my house is shut, but not locked. Joanna would have locked it, wouldn’t she?
“Hello?”
There’s a noise from the kitchen.
“Em?”
Oh no.
What’s he doing here?
Walk through silently and wait for him to speak.
“You look good.”
He’s lying.
“I… uh. I brought some of your stuff back. My dad said you said you had some of mine still.”
How does he know? Oh yes. I phoned him. When I couldn’t sleep.
“Oh. Yeah, I have a few bits around somewhere.”
“Are you okay Em? You sound a bit strange.”
Am I okay? Why does everyone think I’m about to collapse and die
“What do you think Rob?”
“I think you look like hell.  I saw Michelle, and she said you’d been drinking. She sounded worried, so I thought I’d come and see you.”
For goodness sake…
“No. I haven’t been drinking. If I look rough it’s because I’m ill.”
“She said you said that yesterday. Have you been to a doctor?”
“No. I’ll just go and get your things.”
Carefully make my way upstairs and gather a few things. Mostly CDs. A t-shirt, several odd socks, that sort of thing.
Going down is more difficult than going up, but I manage it, and dump the pile on the floor in front of him.
“I think that’s all of it.”
“Em… I don’t think you’re okay.”
Can he not just drop it?
“I am.”
“You don’t seem it.”
“Please, I’m fine.”
“We may not be together any more, but I still care about you.”
“Yes Rob.”
“I do!”
I can’t take much more of this. My head’s hurting worse than ever now, and I feel slightly faint.
“Please Em, you can trust me.”

“Yes Rob. I can trust you. I trust you so much that when you’re not here I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been so out of it for the last month because you’ve not been here to guide me.”
“I…” he tries to cut in.
I ignore him.
“I don’t care how much you care about me still, it’s just that. You care. You don’t love any more. That’s why I broke up with you and that’s why I’m so messed up now.
“I still love you, and I’ve spent so long lying to myself that I’d almost forgotten it completely.
“I’m not ill. I’ve been getting more sleep than ever before, and I haven’t been drinking.
“I just miss you!
“And that’s what’s wrong with me…”

“I’m sorry Em.”
“I don’t care. Just leave me alone. I’ll be able to cope.”
“You haven’t been.”
“I will. I don’t need your help any more.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Get out.”
“I suppose I’ll see you around then?”
“Maybe.”
The door closes behind him.
It’s strange I suddenly feel so much better than I did five minutes ago. My headache is lessening and I don’t feel as though I’m about to fall over any more.
It’s strange how convinced you can be by your own lies.